I couldn't see your eyes

 That day, inside the shinkansen,I cried.

You don't looked at my eyes...

I suffered.

I just wanted to speak face to face, solve the things, feel free...

Instead, I felt tied, more than before!

Now, your health isn't good... And I'm suffering more!

My ask "that was the last time?"...

Maybe...

I'm crying inside.

Please, don't die!

Jupiter's revolution (11,9 years)

 Jupiter made one more turn around Earth!

Living the same situations again! Looking  the same mistakes, feeling this pain that I had forgotten!

I changed.

I swear

 never bother you again.

I was so quiet. Trying don't make a noise. Walking like a cat... But you listened my steps when I was not waking!

If you don't want speak with me, I'll don't bother you! That was a promise that I did some years ago!

I promised to myself, I never will send some indirect message for you again.

I changed my methods.

But you don't!

You still think you are the center of my universe! If you want blocking me, give a reason before!

Change your methods and learn to say your feelings, not just when your are angry!

Change your methods and ask before make a judgment! 

You were unfair, once again.

And yes, I'm sad about it.

You will never read... But sorry.

I'm sure, you will never read this words.
I feel guilty because I still think about you.
I know I create lots of not realistic expectations about you...
I know you changed. Because, in this years, I changed. I'm not the same girl that you met the first time...
I changed, but I still lost in an universe of things in my heart... I'm still just someone in somewhere in this universe...
In your heart, maybe, you are the same... Or completely different that you were years ago...
I still can't understand what's happening inside me when I think about you!
Sometimes, I want send a letter to you and say how much I'm sorry!
I want to say how much I feel bad about things I did and words that I said!
Unfortunately, you never will listen what I want to say or read this letter...
But I need say sorry.
Forgive me.
It hurts deep inside me!
Sorry... Maybe, someday we can understand everything...

More than 10 years ago...

Suddenly, I miss you...
I remember our last picture, you by my side, we were holding closer each other....
Suddenly I miss things that doesn't exist anymore! Your messages to me, your trust in me...
Suddenly, I have no idea where is that time! I don't remember very well how much I suffered!
I still search you in everywhere! Even I have other loves, other passions, I still search you, your voice...
I'm sure, it's just an illusion from my unconscious mind! ...or not!
I really have no idea why I feel it!
...but suddenly, I want you by my side... Again!

Prisoner

Now, I understand your words.

After long years, I understand what means be a prisoner!

We choose our way through our life, and this way make us prisoners!

We are prisoners from work, from family, from the life that we choose so many years ago.

We want to change, try so many times, but seems impossible.

Now I understand your words...

You

You ware a little hurricane that pass by my life...
You do a big mess in my feelings!
And this feelings, I really don't know what to do with...
You probably, don't deserve my attention, but I just watch you by distance!
I confess that I like you so much!
But I'm afraid to open my heart and be hurted again!

Out side of wall

In last nights, I've cried.
I thought this day was just an ordinary day... In the same place, the same walls, but the day is rising, it's just begging!
But good things can happen!

I received a call with good news.
Someone mail me...
I saw his message... And this simple thing, with simple words, made me melodiously happy!

I'll whisper some words with my closed eyes... I'll say my heart's feelings...

My day is just a romantic day, even any word about love has said!
Some simple things can be romantic, can touch my heart!
This lovely moments, I can carry on by eternity!

I still remember someone... But today, I can see a new moment, out side of that walls! I don't need search that scared boy, forever!
I can receive some message, from other, that is new and old...

I feel like I'm discovering a new chord in this harmony!
By today, I'm taking my way!

Meu herói

Eu montei castelos na minha vida...Castelos pra me proteger da dor e da realidade dura.
E eu descobri, que nem sempre eles era verdadeiros...
Eram castelos feitos de vento, com heróis que não existem.
Descobri que meu único refúgio era em mim mesma.
Abri meus olhos e descobri que essas coisas só existem dentro de mim. O meu herói era ninguém, se não eu mesma.
Parece lindo, mas neste momento, me vi completamente sozinha... Gostaria que todas as miragens fossem verdadeiras e não, apenas mera projeção das minhas necessidades emocionais.

Não vou mais escrever pensando em você... Não vou mais escrever pra você ler, pois a visão que tenho de você, sou eu.
A visão linda que sempre tive sobre você, era eu, o tempo todo!
Todo o tempo, você foi ingrato e injusto, mas eu me recusei a ver isso, pois eu via a mim e não o ser que você é.
Eu supri minha ilusão do herói, minha necessidade de segurança, em alguém que nunca teve nada pra dar.
Como vou viver fora do meu castelo e sem meu herói?
Ainda não sei.

Só agora entendi que você é, de fato, fraco. E eu, mais forte do que eu imaginava!
Tudo que eu achava que era amor ou conexão, estou deixando pra trás. Sei que tive momentos divertidos com você, mas isso é apenas uma memória deturpada da verdade.

Eu não estou escrevendo isso pra você! Pois a única versão de você que precisa ler isso, é a versão de você que só eu enxergo!
Não digo que talvez eu veja você um dia, pois se eu ver você, talvez seja a primeira vez que, de fato eu veja você!

Me livrar de sonhos e ilusões infantis, do herói que me defendeu que não era você, talvez seja o mais doloroso adeus, mas essa insanidade precisa acabar!
Todas as doces lembranças, nunca irei saber se eram verdade ou mera ilusão... Assumo minha solidão e recomeço do zero.
Entre mentiras e verdade, mescladas entre luz e trevas, eu digo que amava o que não conhecia. Como eu queria que tivesse sido verdade, mas você nunca foi a visão mais clara que eu já tive na vida...

So long time ago...

So long time ago was the last text message...
Sometimes I feel nostalgic!
Today, is an example of these days...
I know you, probably, never will read my words. But, I really need to say "I still remember"!
Sometimes I want to see you again, but I know the difficulties...

The time pass, things change... But the things never changes!
My heart still feel, but my mind isn't the same!
Maybe I'm cold... Or still loving you.

End the message.

I can't cure You!

I know about this pain that you feel!
I know about this deep darkness... I know how much horrible can be receive someone asking "are you ok?"...

It's horrible pain!
Nobody can cure, only yourself!

This war you fight alone!

What I can do to help you?
I feel impotent!
I know about your pain... I almost can feel inside me... It's too much to hold!

I wanna be the light in this darkness, the relieve to this heart...

Please don't cry!
Be stronger!
I'm here behind you...

What I can do?... If I can't cure you...
I'm still here, I'm still praying for you...

I'm praying always for you...