Prisoner of Dharma

 The time passed so fast. 18 years till now.

Someday you wrote: "I'm a prisoner"
In the past, I always thought that I was free... but it was a illusion of my mind!
I always was a prisoner, too!

I needed to loose things to receive things that I wanted.
I discovey that my dharma wasn't music, but I always runway from this!
I needed to leave music to reach my airticket to the world!
My heart will beat like a love song, forever!
I still compose songs in the darkness of my badroom, alone with my accoustic guitar...
When I acrossed the world, I gone to study how to tie my music with health. That's so interesting, right?!
I loose my music, assume my dharma and I received it back, when I reached the world!
I hope reach more, in this time!

Sometimes, we think we are loosing, but we are not!
The Universe likes balance! If you want something, you need to exchange for other thing!
Our mind is limitated and we think: I'm loosing! - But we are not loosing! It's time to balance!
I needed to give my music to receive my music in other way!

I hope you listen my song, my heartbeat is there!

飛び始めた (歌詞: ジゼリ)

どこまで翼が行ける 知りたいかな？ 飛び始めて！ 逃げる止めて！

距離と向き合えないなら、

 隣にいてみろよ！

感情をどう扱うか?

顔を上げろよ！

飛び始めた…

どこまで翼が行ける知りたいかな？

飛び始めて！

飛び始めた…

…私が

考えよりも　

もっとさらに飛んだ

そばにいる！

あたしも忘れると思ってた

でも忘れなかった！

胸の奥、痛みが続ける

忘れられないかな？

私の目を見て

立ち向かえ！

逃げる止めて！

飛び始めた…

どこまで翼が行ける知りたいかな？

飛び始めて！

飛び始めた…

…私が

感情をどう扱うか?

隣にいてみろよ！

そばにいてみる！

逃げる止めて！

立ち向かえ！

隣にいてみろよ！

そばにいてみる！

飛び始める！

もう二度と飛ぶのをやめない！

もう止まらない！

飛び始めた…

どこまで翼が行ける知りたいかな？

飛び始めて！

飛び始めた…

…私が

A bad feeling: anxiety!

 Sometimes I think I'm getting crazy! 

I want to keep my life, but it's hard! 

I'm always worried, tired, trying hold on...

This last nights I'm sleeping to bad and it makes me feel bad!

I'm working to back to Japan this year or next and it's hard! 

Now, we have new politicians in that government and it worries me!

Some Japanese are not understanding what's going on in the international scenario.

In my first trip to Japan, there's a pandemic! And now?! Maybe a war?!

I keep my eyes open focused to my goal! But it's hard! 

I'm not fine this days, but I'm trying feel better! 

Maybe I just need a good night to sleep!...

You will never read... Again

Last year I almost died. I don't want to spend time, wishes, feelings... My life expectancy has been shortened, maybe I never be an elder lady.

You still are important to me, even it means nothing to you, even you hates me.

Have you courage?! Face me, don't hide your eyes, don't hide your words to me.

I'm not important to you, but the question is "why are you still important to me?!"

Why this cycles just turn back again and again?! It's better just accept... Maybe.

Maybe everything I believed was wrong.

Maybe guides of destiny are making me stronger.

Past is past, never goes back awards, I have no illusions about eternal love! When I die, my love will die with me...

Where gone my beliefs about after life?! Maybe, I was just a romantic idiot expecting you be brave to face me like a man! Again, I believe in nothing, like when I knew you 17 years ago! I thought I was discovering my spiritually, but maybe it was just an illusion.

My feeling is like a vulcan, exploding violently! I thought you feel it, but maybe it's a lie... 

I will never know, cause you will never read this or answer... 

I couldn't see your eyes

 That day, inside the shinkansen,I cried.

You don't looked at my eyes...

I suffered.

I just wanted to speak face to face, solve the things, feel free...

Instead, I felt tied, more than before!

Now, your health isn't good... And I'm suffering more!

My ask "that was the last time?"...

Maybe...

I'm crying inside.

Please, don't die!

Jupiter's revolution (11,9 years)

 Jupiter made one more turn around Earth!

Living the same situations again! Looking  the same mistakes, feeling this pain that I had forgotten!

I changed.

I swear

 never bother you again.

I was so quiet. Trying don't make a noise. Walking like a cat... But you listened my steps when I was not waking!

If you don't want speak with me, I'll don't bother you! That was a promise that I did some years ago!

I promised to myself, I never will send some indirect message for you again.

I changed my methods.

But you don't!

You still think you are the center of my universe! If you want blocking me, give a reason before!

Change your methods and learn to say your feelings, not just when your are angry!

Change your methods and ask before make a judgment! 

You were unfair, once again.

And yes, I'm sad about it.

You will never read... But sorry.

I'm sure, you will never read this words.
I feel guilty because I still think about you.
I know I create lots of not realistic expectations about you...
I know you changed. Because, in this years, I changed. I'm not the same girl that you met the first time...
I changed, but I still lost in an universe of things in my heart... I'm still just someone in somewhere in this universe...
In your heart, maybe, you are the same... Or completely different that you were years ago...
I still can't understand what's happening inside me when I think about you!
Sometimes, I want send a letter to you and say how much I'm sorry!
I want to say how much I feel bad about things I did and words that I said!
Unfortunately, you never will listen what I want to say or read this letter...
But I need say sorry.
Forgive me.
It hurts deep inside me!
Sorry... Maybe, someday we can understand everything...

More than 10 years ago...

Suddenly, I miss you...
I remember our last picture, you by my side, we were holding closer each other....
Suddenly I miss things that doesn't exist anymore! Your messages to me, your trust in me...
Suddenly, I have no idea where is that time! I don't remember very well how much I suffered!
I still search you in everywhere! Even I have other loves, other passions, I still search you, your voice...
I'm sure, it's just an illusion from my unconscious mind! ...or not!
I really have no idea why I feel it!
...but suddenly, I want you by my side... Again!

Prisoner

Now, I understand your words.

After long years, I understand what means be a prisoner!

We choose our way through our life, and this way make us prisoners!

We are prisoners from work, from family, from the life that we choose so many years ago.

We want to change, try so many times, but seems impossible.

Now I understand your words...

You

You ware a little hurricane that pass by my life...
You do a big mess in my feelings!
And this feelings, I really don't know what to do with...
You probably, don't deserve my attention, but I just watch you by distance!
I confess that I like you so much!
But I'm afraid to open my heart and be hurted again!