These days, I was just praying for a little miracle... Or a big miracle!

About money, it's worse day by day...I have work, but people late my payment everytime... Be a freelancer it's not ease!

Some days ago, some one ask me if I want compose music for a big project... I accept, but I don't know if they will accept the demo... I don't finish the melody...

I was thinking about my life these days... Why I stoped to sing?
Was a stupid action from me!

Now I'll try again!

About my love, I decided never give up!
Because I lost my time with another professions, lost my time with a fail relationship for half of my life!
Now, I found the man of my dream, like I dreamed when I was 11 years old...

When I kissed him, was like a dream... Some times, I remember and can't make diference if was real or a good dream!

If he ask me, I'll do everything he wants!
For me, he is like a KING in my life!

For now, I'll just pray for meet him again and say how much I love him!

If he knows...

How much I tried gatch my dreams, more end more I was far from my objectives!

After I see that dreams are possible, today I can separate my dreams and my objectives!

I really think about my professional dreams realised and my personal dreams realised. One hurt other. What is more important to me? professional or personal?
Bout is not possible!

I understood that to much more important to me, is my love, because this is the unic thing that make me wakeup every morning!
He never knows about this!

I just wanna tell him that I have a deep admiration for everything that he is like person!
I really, really appreciate every inch of his personality, his thoughts, ideas and words!
He never knows how much I love his face, his body and his way to speak... he is sweet and my oly one desire, is hug him and say how much I love him, again!

These days, I lost my hope and needed recover my sanity. Because I can't see way to the problems that I have here and this situation...

I lost a lot of things before he back to his country... but afterI try, by my hard work, recover the way... not possible!
How much I swam, more and more I was far from the beach!
I'm really tired, because I lost to much time trying make everything from my way!
Now, I'll start again and feel the waves leaving me back or to the place that he is and I'll meet him again!

So difficult!
But I'll be more happy a little bit, if he knows how much I love him!...

(picture: Brazillian signal language - I love You!)

Detachment

In this time, I'm just praying!
I'm praying to the Gods, superior consciences of the universe, ancestors...
I'm burning incense every day and asking for knowledge, light to my mind!

The last weekends was very hard to me!
I was just trying undestand my emotional actions!

I understood about the suffering...
How much times I try cut conections?
...and I tried again! Stupid thing!

How much times I tried replace my feelings or suffocate my love?
...and I tried again!

detachment it's not cut conections! Detachment is accept the reality! It's detach my egoiste desires! Cut my attachment to my limitated reality!

The true reality it's not limitated!
It's a INFINITE POSSIBILITIES FIELD!
How I can see this truth?
Detaching from my limitated egoiste desires, that make me blind to the true reality!

Maybe seems simple... but we are so tied in ourselfs and so addicts in our internal desires, that we prefer don't see...

But I want to see! And I'll make an effort to see what is tying in myself!

Sometimes I almost lost my hope... But I'll be stronger, day by day!

I hope my ancestors and the divine consciences, help me soon!

Saudade

Saudade is a word that don't exist in english...
Means "I miss you"... But it's not just this, means a feeling when I miss somebody!

Saudade is a feeling like love, passion or anger. It's when you feel a deeply sensation of loss... It's like a big and deep hole in your heart!

It's like I feel now!
I feel "saudade" from him!
I wanna cry, but I just try don't cry, because he is so far...
Why I can't forget him? Why I can't leave him?

My heart is burning with a lot of feelings!
I can't cry... I can't smile...
He is my bless and my danm... My hell and my heaven!

Some times I think: I'll date, find somebody...
Bullshit!
It's impossible!

I try again and again, time after time, forget him... and I give up!

Now, I love just for love... Because he anger me... Maybe was my falt... Maybe I never will know the truth... Maybe he never will know how much I love him!

Wile the time pass by me, pass before my eyes, I miss him, day by day... My "saudade" is growing up until the infinite of universe!

I try don't worry, because the destiny will back to my hands again!

Crossing Jordan

Yesterday I was going to the work, acrossing the "Redenção" park...
I saw this beautiful place, that I realy like, and think about the love of my life...
I know that he likes natural places, like me... Think about my spiritual evolution and how much he is important to this matter, was realy inevitable!

I conclude that:
Portuguese is difficult
Spanish is difficult
Japanese is difficult
And...
English is difficult, too!

I conclude that
Cellphone is expansive
Msn is bored
Skype can be good, but
The timezone never will help us!

Looking through internet seems easy across the Jordan river... But we have, before our face, the Red Sea!

I'll never give up, to pray, day by day, to the oceans opening before my eyes!

Maybe he don't understand me or don't believe me...
But I'll keep my way and never give up to across the Jordan river, Red sea or every oceans, because my love is stronger enough to across every barrier the come to my way!

When begin?

Today I was watching an old drama. This drama I watched the 1st time when I was just 11 years old...
This little fact make me remamber my childhood time, when I dreamed so much things, that today I see realesed a little bit...

When I remember my old dreams, and my actual dreams, I see that my feeling is the same...

For a time, maybe some years, I just quit my dreams, because I understood my dream was impossible...
After a lot of time, I conclude that I was wrong!

I knew a prince that don't likes me anymore... In truth, now he hates me!
But he makes me wake up for my life, and because this I'm greatfull for the heaven put his life on my way!
I realy know that he never will know how much I love him... I know that he don't believe me... But I say thanks because he exist!

Today I have a lot of emotions inside my heart... And I can't explain!
So much more I look arround me, and so much more I see that he is far from me...
He was my old dream and the future that I wish!
When I don't know him, was him that I dreamed... I just discovery when I knew him... Before I think that was impossible!

My another dreams was linked with my so deeply ans ward emotion that I feel when I was 11 years old...

Nothing changes! The destiny back!

Sick...

Well...
After a lot of days, so sick, I'm better...

It was a stronger flu, that make me down 1 week!
Now, my face is like a ghost! so white!!! But today, I'm ok!

In this moment I'm thinking about my life, about feelings... again!
Today I feel like in old times, but it's like is new, not like before...

I'm learning about culture from another side of the world... and I discovery something very very intersting, that explain another things to me...
Yesterday I read in a blog, that if some woman, in Japan, works in a company and she wants marry with a mate, she needs QUITE the job!
This is so unfair!!!!!

If this happen with me and the boss say: you need quite!
I answer: You first!!

oh god! I don't like this!!! but, this is them culture... so bad before my eyes, but something in Brazil is not acceptble to!

Try understand the culture is very very important to tolerance between nations, cultures and people!

Well... think about this!

keeping on my way

This time I think a lot about my life...
I examinate my love and try quit... I tryed again and... I can't!

What is better? Love and suffer or try don't love and suffer?
... I realy don't know!

In this time, when I don't have some motive to love, but my heart just feel this conetion, I keep on my way, like ever...

old and new...

I'm happy! the last weekend I meet my old friend and my new best friend!
This feeling, nobody can pay!
Thank you for trust me!

Screaming

Today, it's like my spirit and my soul could scream...

Was like the beginning of love, when I was resisting my heart, just speaking that I don't love you...
But in every word that you speak, you arrest me more and more, so softly, so slowly...

When I see you in the first time, I fell afraid, scare, so stronger feeling, that, untill today, I can't explain...

When I see you in the last time, was like my world falling down... my floor not was there anymore...

When you speak that you can't trust me... for me, was worse than death!
You don't broke my heart, you destroyed my soul!

But I wanna remember the good times!
Remember when you hold my hand... or when I hold your hand... or some so warm kiss...

Don't have day, don't have moment that I don't remember you! I remember every detail, like a crazyness... I try forget, I try don't remember... I try hate you!
It's not possible, I can't...
It's like kill some part from myself...

You took my heart forever... you are a thief! Yes! you stole my heart forever...

Today my heart and my soul are screaming... Screaming that I miss you, because I love you deeply!

Give me this chance! We can make different!