Just Me

Now, like in old times, when I made this blog, it's just me!

When I made tthis blog, I was back to reality, without e-mails, without messages by cellphone from somebody was just one more...

In the same time I knew my friend... Old friend...
He became my wind to me... My air, my sweet dream, my prince, my only one!

Today, I just lost!
Maybe he don't think about me to much time ago... But my illusions blinded me!

Today, I just need say goodbye... But it's so difficult...

Every day pass by me so slowly without him!
My coffee is so sad, my music have no inspiration... It's like falling down in the deep darkness!

Maybe I'm crazy! Nothing is like before... Nothing is the same!

Why hurts so much? Why?!
Why I cry night and day because he is not here, if in 2 years he was not here?
Why is so difficult say goodbye?!

I'm starting a new job, in a hospital... Like before everything, like 2 years ago, when I knew him!

My mind still dream night and day for him, like in the first time! My heart still beat so fast for him, like when I knew him!

I feel so guity! So bad... I lost him and it's my falt!

Why I never believed in his love?
Why I speak so much things that hurts him?

Why this distance exist?
He is the only thing that I believed, the only one that I loved! ...and still love!

I have no words to say how I feel in this moment!

Very soon I'll work and only work... I'll can't think in something sad! But now... I just cry!

Nothing...

Nothing is only nothing...
My hell and my heaven,
my soul and my death,
my breath and my cry,
my whole life and my lost single
moment...

All is nothing without you on my side!

I try to keep...
I try to live...
I try to survive...

Anything can make me feel alive again!

I think if this is real, if this is ilusion, if this is just a crazy dream that I can't wake up...
When you was with me, this was a sweet dream,
Now you left me alone and I can't wake up from this nightmare!

Nothing is nothing...

My dream and my nightmare,
My survive and my swoon,
Everything is nothing without you!

Today I wanna say about my feelings again...
Sometimes I remember that rain when we walked on the street...

Everytime that moment can't goes from my mind...

So much time, so much love, so long distance...
Sometime I feel dying in this sensations...
I feel like love could kill me so slowly and painfully...
Sometimes I just want you here with me!

I'm trying change my life, be different and accept the destiny...
I feel so impotent, so weak, like this terrible destiny could be too much more stronger than my love or wish to survive in this life... I feel folling down, like a leave falling from tree... Where will fall? It's just wait and the destiny will come soon...

Like in the Mutation book of Iching, in the 38th hexagram, 1 line, where is wrote about a horse, it run, but you can't run after it! Or it will run more and more... But if the horse is yours, it will back to the house!

Not works run after destiny!
The destiny back to you, if is yours...

Water

This night, before I sleep, I just pray:
Somebody in the heaven, give me an answer at sunrise...

My heart is paining, my inspiration is going down and my hope is missing day by day...
I really need some answer to my heart!

I think so I'm suffering his suffer and mine...

I sleept and dreamed that somebody, a woman, just take her answers speaking with water...
The water was like entity, that she just ask and it answer... Like some alive person...
What means?

Some psychologists said that water is the emotional. And the lake is the sexuality. And the sea, is the not conscient emotional...

What means?

She don't take the water from tap... She take from river... Because was not possible speak with the great water, she takes a trifle...
She simply can't understand without a little bit water... She needed speak with the water!

What means?

Someone answer me!

keeping...

I'm jus keeping the way, without him...

And I'll keep, day by day by day...
Every single day is so slowly and difficult without him...
Every single coffee that I drink, I think about him and my feeling because I lost him...

Perhaps, when I lookin that eyes again, he open his heart like in the first time?... Maybe I never will know what he has in his soul... If someday he really loved me...

Me feeling is inside me, I'm in pieces!
It's a deep darkness in my soul...

My only hope, is the fact, that for every night, a new sunrise! For every death, a reborn! For every reborn, the evolution!

Words

My old teacher said someday:
"If you have nothing to say, just be quiet!"

Why I never listen this advice?

In june from last year, I make a mistake that was so much misunderstood...
My impulsivity, my burnning wish to see him again, make me down!

My bad language, my bad expression, my wrong way to say, my impulsivity... Everything cooperates to speak the wrong thing in the wrong moment...

My "retrograd mercury", my bad communication...

I'm so sad because I can't express clearly everything what I think!

In this moment, I just think about my mistakes and how much I love him...
In this sundown, feeling this warm wind, I remember him, and my wish is see him on my side...

The sunrise doesn't come yet... The darkness is deep and scary... But the sun light will come with the reborn and the evolution...